The Devil's Advocate

I had to cut that last post short when Kevin woke up and came looking for me. Waiting for him to fall asleep again, I fell asleep too and didn't get to finish it.

I'm still here...

I had myself somewhat convinced last night that I would be out of here first thing this morning, so that by the time Kevin got home from work, I would be long gone. Then I remembered that I'm going to a concert and carnival on Sunday with him, Wren, and Bella, and I really don't want to miss it. So I decided to leave on Monday.

Now I don't know if I'm actually going to go. I suppose if things continue the way they were last night, I probably will. I can't continue to live in a swamp of guilt and paranoia and the constant sensation that I'm missing something - someone. I am not a cruel person by nature, but what I'm doing to Kevin right now is the worst thing I'm capable of. Nothing else I could do could possibly hurt him more than if he found out that I'm still seeing Aiden.

I kept asking myself the question last night, "What's keeping me here?" I want to run away, so why haven't I just gone?

I'm afraid it will end up like my last trip south, when I visited Alejandra.

It will hurt Kevin, something I'm trying to avoid. Then again, isn't that why I want to leave? So I can stop hurting him?

I won't see Aiden anymore. But I'm not supposed to be seeing him anyway.

I won't see Wren, Eben, or Bella anymore. That's my biggest holdup. I can't stand the thought of being so far from my friends.

I have no money. No, scratch that - I have less than no money. I have no job and I'm horribly in debt.

But I'd find a way to make some.

How?

I can do all sorts of things... Odd jobs. Play my violin or guitar on the street. Strip.

So what the hell exactly is keeping me here? I can counterargue with myself all day to my reasons for staying. Maybe that's the problem - I think too much. Maybe I should just get in the car right now and go. No, on Monday.

Maybe I should just get in the car first thing Monday morning and go. I feel like the south is calling me. Farther south than I went last time - the deep south. When my mom was just a little younger than I am, she moved from the deep south all the way up here. Perhaps I'm supposed to do the opposite. Just disappear, pop up somewhere else, and start over. Find a new job, a new group of people, a new life. Bella wants to go to Texas.

Why not?