Dirty Joke Moment

I hereby take a moment from this soap opera to present to you a gem of the internetz.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Addicted To You

I finally got a day to myself yesterday, and I drove up and spent time with Eben and then with Wren without Kevin around. Eben needed his computer diagnosed and fixed, and he bought me lunch in exchange for replacing the hard drive and upgrading the RAM. We also talked a whole lot, of course, since I hadn't seen him one-on-one since that horrible night of the group meeting between me, Kevin, Aiden, and Lily.

Over tuna melts with apple and tomato (better than they sound, I swear), he agreed with my tentative suggestion that Kevin has traits of the codependent personality. Alejandra had mentioned something about that topic to me years ago, but I didn't know much about it, and Eben was able to explain it a little more. When I looked it up on Wikipedia, it talked only about one person enabling another's dependency on a substance, which is obviously not my situation. When I looked up dependency, it redirected to addiction.

What Eben had to say still made a lot of sense, though, and just because Wikipedia didn't mention the case of being addicted to a person doesn't mean it doesn't happen. The way he explained it, one person gets addicted to something that the other provides (in Kevin's case, comfort, ego assurance, something along those lines) and holds on tighter and tighter and tries to control that person out of the fear of losing what they're being given. What they don't realize, of course, is that by holding on so hard they're working against their own best interests by pushing that person away.

As Eben said, "When you first begin a relationship, the puppy-love stage is great. But then you expect it go away, and for you to give each other a little more space. When that doesn't happen, you have something unhealthy."

Interestingly, this is exactly the same way that my last serious relationship crashed and burned. Both of us were doing this exact same thing to each other, except that I realized it before we broke up and she didn't. I wasn't able to break the pattern until I was away from her, but thankfully, I was successful (with significant effort) in doing so when we were finally away from each other.

Now that it's happened twice, I find myself developing a fear that this is going to keep happening to me, that there's something in that dependent personality that attracts me in the early stages of a relationship, and I don't recognize it until I'm way too far in. I never thought I would be that person who would start to push other people away because of past unfortunate experiences; I never understood those people, always thought that they were paranoid and stupid. It's amazing how suddenly and unexpectedly you can become that which you hate, and never see it coming.

Summer Night

I'm lying awake

While you snore on beside me

No summer moon

Shining in the window

Just a flood lamp

In the neighbor's yard

So hot in here

Melting like chocolate

Baking chocolate

The bitter kind

Sweat is dripping

Like tears down my face

The window is open

But I see bars in my mind

An invisible jail

Known only to me

I could open the door

But it's never that easy

Guilt and sweat

Mingled in the sheets

Sticking to my back

As I roll impatiently

Sleep won't come

For many hours yet

Jealous of your rest

But glad for this moment

Here with you

In my own little world

Here with you

With him in my mind

Pull myself up

Wander downstairs

Flip up the latch

And slide open the door

Take a deep breath

Of the black sky

Down the wooden steps

Splinters between my toes

Then cool grass

The whisper of leaves

A single cricket

And I start to run

Sultry pavement

Still warm on my feet

Soothing, encouraging

Telling me to run

Down the street

To anywhere else

But the air is hot

The sweat still drips

The sheets are clinging

Pulling me back

Tear free to find myself

Still next to you

Sit up in a rush

And startle myself

Freedom slipping away

Lie back down, resigned

Stare through the screen

As the bars mock me

Lost in Limbo

This relationship is like banging my head against a wall. An overweight, bleached-blonde wall with a whole lot of paranoid attitude.

The concert on Sunday would have been fun had I just gone with Wren and Bella, but Bella didn't show and of course I had to bring Kevin. A couple of hours in, Kevin finally moved more than three feet away from me and Wren leaned over and whispered, "He's annoying me."

"Me too," I agreed. In a few minutes I managed to send Kevin off on his own to get change and a snack, and Wren and I found a spot in the shade and a few minutes of alone time. "So what exactly is bothering you about him?" I asked, hoping she would pinpoint what was bothering me.

"His existence," was the answer.

That evening devolved into a text war between the three of us (yes, even though we were all sitting right next to each other), as I expressed that I was excited to move in with Wren in the fall, and Kevin got upset that I wasn't distraught over not living with him anymore, and then took it personally when I told Wren what he'd said. He then proceeded the next morning to tell me that "some things should be private," even from my best friend. I told him that was bullshit, and we never did work it out. Well, I told him I would stop telling her things...but I won't, and he should know that. I gave him the disclaimer a long time ago that I tell her EVERYTHING, and if he disagreed, he should have said so then.

Monday being a holiday, I invited Wren and Eben to go swimming with us. I hadn't seen Eben in a month or more, but Kevin got all pissy about not getting to spend the day with just me.

"We were going to go see a movie!" he protested.

"We can see a movie with friends," I suggested, and got a glare in return. "Or we can see a movie another day."

"But today's a holiday."

"A movie doesn't take up the entire day."

"We would have done other things."

So Eben showed up at the house, then Wren, then our friend Rizz that we play pool with. We all piled into my car and headed for the beach, everyone talking and laughing and poking each other and shrieking - except for Kevin, who sat in morose silence in the front seat and played with his phone.

We found a space on the beach and stretched out on towels; unfortunately, I had to share one with Kevin, since we only had one beach towel. Rizz and Kevin eventually wandered away, and just as I was about to start a conversation with Wren and Eben, they came back, apparently having decided that I couldn't be left on my own with friends.

Eben went swimming, and though we were sure the lake was much too cold, Wren and I went and stuck our toes in, mostly because we wanted to be away from Kevin. Of course, he showed up after two minutes, while I was explaining why I haven't already left. At my "heads up," Eben went back in the water.

"Want to go for a walk?" asked Kevin.

"Not really."

He walked away again, looking offended, and Wren and I decided that the water could be frozen and would still be warm enough for making an escape. I was in up to my thighs when Mister Happy Horseshit returned, waded into the water, put his arms around me, and started dragging me in with him.

I would like to take this brief intermission to say that water and I don't always have the greatest relationship. I've nearly drowned three times in my life and I'm terrified of swimming pools. Though I will still swim in the right circumstances, I'm not entirely comfortable with most things that involve a great amount of water, and I have to be in complete control of the situation. I don't tolerate horseplay that involves me, like people throwing me off their shoulders or unexpectedly pushing me into pools.

Needless to say, I freaked out, screamed at him in front of all the families with little kids, and ran back up the beach, where I took over Wren's towel. The two of them showed up right behind me, Kevin annoyed with me and Wren annoyed with him, and he demanded that we go for a walk.

"Why?" I asked, not wanting to go in the least.

"I wasn't going to drag you all the way in," he said. "Don't you trust me?"

"Come on!" said Wren, clearly as fed up as I was. "You can't just drag Sky into the water, you know that, it's not -"

Kevin's glare and "talk to the hand" motion shut her up, and she stood and glared at him.

"Fine," I said, getting up and letting her have her towel back. "Go."

He walked down the beach to a railing that overlooked part of the lake, and I minced along behind him, trying not to cut my feet on the peastone that someone felt was necessary to create a path. The conversation was unnecessarily long, totally unproductive, and on the whole completely unnecessary. I even pointed out that it could have either occurred earlier (before my friends were there) or later (after they left), and that I didn't see the need to interrupt beach day; but of course, his ego couldn't take that, and he insisted that it was that important.

The only thing it did accomplish was getting me to promise myself that I would leave at the first opportunity. The annoyance and negativity finally outweigh the ease and comfort of staying, and the constant stalking and enormous ego have overtaken any regrets at leaving mutual dreams behind. I'll find my own dreams, thank you. I already know what they are.

So perhaps I can't go where I really want to go right now, since I have to come back for school in the fall anyway. But Wren suggested that I look for a job back near her, and when I have one, bounce back and forth between her couch and Eben's until she and I get an apartment in the fall. I think that could be a workable solution. Screw that, a good solution!

TMI Tuesday

1. Before the industrial revolution, most people never traveled more than 30 miles from their home. How far from your birth place do you now live?

About one hundred miles from where I was actually born, and a little over eighty miles from where I grew up. Pathetic, in my mind. I hope to get MUCH farther away.

2. What is the farthest distancet from home you have ever had sex or an orgasm? What is the farthest distance you have travelled from your home to have a sexual encounter?

Couldn't tell you in miles exactly, but it would have been Southern Italy. I could also count France, but I think that's a little closer. (Yes, my geography is embarrassing.) And I've never travelled anywhere for the express purpose of having a sexual encounter.

3. How many states and countries have you had sex and/or an orgasms in?

Five states: New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, and Nevada

Five countries: USA, Canada, France, Italy, Ecuador

4. Have you ever had sex in a vehicle? While the vehicle was moving?

Had sex in the back seat of my old VW out back of a movie theater once, and have given "road head" while doing fifty mph.

5. Do you have any travel related fantasy? If so, share, please.

Not a particular one, though travelling and sex are definitely a good combination!

Bonus: On holidays that honor our military do you tend to rememeber those currently serving or veterans of military service?

Both, though the person foremost in my mind is always my father, who served in the Marines in Vietnam during the early part of the war. He would have been a very different person if he hadn't served, and he would probably still be alive.

TMI Tuesday #188

What's Holding Me Back

The first thing I have to say is, ZomBee, you give the best advice! I get the feeling you have been here before. If you care to share any of your story, I'd love to listen. (Well, read I suppose.)

Anyway, I figured out what's holding me back from leaving right now, when I remembered that my dad's memorial service is set to happen in a month. If I leave now, I can't count on being settled in anywhere else in a month, nor having the money to drive back up here to attend the service. Missing it is absolutely not an option, no matter what else is going on in my life.

Oh, and I have a court date coming up sometime soon, exact date yet to be set. I don't really want to be arrested for not appearing.

But after those things are over? I may well never be seen again.

The Devil's Advocate

I had to cut that last post short when Kevin woke up and came looking for me. Waiting for him to fall asleep again, I fell asleep too and didn't get to finish it.

I'm still here...

I had myself somewhat convinced last night that I would be out of here first thing this morning, so that by the time Kevin got home from work, I would be long gone. Then I remembered that I'm going to a concert and carnival on Sunday with him, Wren, and Bella, and I really don't want to miss it. So I decided to leave on Monday.

Now I don't know if I'm actually going to go. I suppose if things continue the way they were last night, I probably will. I can't continue to live in a swamp of guilt and paranoia and the constant sensation that I'm missing something - someone. I am not a cruel person by nature, but what I'm doing to Kevin right now is the worst thing I'm capable of. Nothing else I could do could possibly hurt him more than if he found out that I'm still seeing Aiden.

I kept asking myself the question last night, "What's keeping me here?" I want to run away, so why haven't I just gone?

I'm afraid it will end up like my last trip south, when I visited Alejandra.

It will hurt Kevin, something I'm trying to avoid. Then again, isn't that why I want to leave? So I can stop hurting him?

I won't see Aiden anymore. But I'm not supposed to be seeing him anyway.

I won't see Wren, Eben, or Bella anymore. That's my biggest holdup. I can't stand the thought of being so far from my friends.

I have no money. No, scratch that - I have less than no money. I have no job and I'm horribly in debt.

But I'd find a way to make some.

How?

I can do all sorts of things... Odd jobs. Play my violin or guitar on the street. Strip.

So what the hell exactly is keeping me here? I can counterargue with myself all day to my reasons for staying. Maybe that's the problem - I think too much. Maybe I should just get in the car right now and go. No, on Monday.

Maybe I should just get in the car first thing Monday morning and go. I feel like the south is calling me. Farther south than I went last time - the deep south. When my mom was just a little younger than I am, she moved from the deep south all the way up here. Perhaps I'm supposed to do the opposite. Just disappear, pop up somewhere else, and start over. Find a new job, a new group of people, a new life. Bella wants to go to Texas.

Why not?