Let's Go Fishing

I just reread the "Speechless" post, and it fished up the bucket of things I want to try.

Augh, I'm not actually patient...I just get distracted sometimes. And then when I realize that that thing I wanted to try so long ago hasn't happened yet, it's intensely annoying, and I feel like I'm slogging through mud.

What does it take to try something new? I'm so easily bored. There are so many things in the bucket that can quench that problem before it really becomes a problem, and yet it always has to become one before we can go fishing.

I'm working on the patience. Really, I am. But when enough time has gone by, it's not patience - it's giving up.

Defining Boundaries

The moving part is finished, and the adjusting part is now in full swing. I'm operating in my new part-time schedule, doing two twenty-hour days a week at my old job and three days a week at my own business (which was supposed to be just art, but has ended up including a lot of time devoted to league business, as well).

The first week in my new home, I had a lot of little moments where I would pause suddenly at the start of a task execution, imagining a spinning progress bar over my head and the word "Recalibrating..." That has mostly subsided, and now I'm dealing with another set of change impacts, those of seeing the people I know in very different allotments of time, and not having nearly as much control over my own surroundings.

I came home last week from practice expecting to find Aiden and Shelby playing games with a pair of their friends, but the friends had gone home early. The change was unexpected, and though I recognized it as neither my problem nor a big deal, I still felt disgruntled at not having found what I had expected to find in my own home. Last night, a similar thing happened, in which I came home from a class expecting to find Aiden preparing dinner for Shelby, her friend Posie, and his and Posie's kids. When I got there, everyone was pretty much done with dinner, and Posie's husband was also hanging out.

Again, I recognized it consciously as not being a problem, but couldn't help feeling put out. I did realize eventually that making the kids wait until 8:30 for dinner was maybe not the best plan and managed not to take it personally. After the guests went home, Aiden still hadn't so much as touched me, and I pointed it out. He said he had tried to hug me when I walked in the door, but I had seemed grumpy and not wanting to be touched, so he just handed me food and sat back down. I didn't remember that interaction.

This conversation continued for a few more minutes, and then there was silence. In which Aiden still had not actually touched me. My primary love language is physical touch, so avoiding touching me is something I tend to read as very insulting.

"This is your opportunity to fix this," I finally said, smacking him lightly on the side of the head a few times, "And you're missing it."

"Don't hit me in the head," he said, turning to look me full in the face. I paused. There was an intensity to his voice that surprised me.

"Really," I finally said. "What are you going to do?" Some part of me wanted to know, but the part controlling my hands decided it was a bad idea.

"Just. Don't," he said. He wasn't yelling, and he wasn't quite angry, but I honestly didn't know what might happen if I pushed. I desperately wanted to find out, but for just a moment, I was afraid.

We stared each other down for several breaths, until Shelby said, "You know what that makes me want to do?" and I started laughing.

He caught me alone a few minutes later and gave me a long kiss.

"I apologize for hitting you in the head," I said. "I'm sorry."

"And I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear that I wanted to hug you," he replied. I appreciated the apology, but I was excited about something else.

"Thank you for showing me a boundary," I said. "It's good to know where those are."

"Usually you approach them but back away," he said. "And I don't see a point in snapping at someone for just 'tap-tapping' on the wall."

"But sometimes that's what I'm looking for," I said. "I want to know in no uncertain terms that that's where I am."

Thinking about it again later, the more succinct explanation is that if I back away from a boundary before he's shown me where it is, it feels like he's willing to take more disrespect than I'm willing to dish. And that leads to further disrespect. But it would be pretty easy for him to push the balance back.

Have I mentioned he's hot when he's angry with me...?

Moving Day Approaches

I move this weekend.

Two more days to go. It's really happening. Tomorrow night, Aiden and Shelby are coming up after work. We're going to do dinner, pack his car full of my things, and then spend one last night in my apartment.

Saturday morning, Aiden will drive south to pick up his kid and take the first carload of my things home, Eben will come over to my place, and Shelby, Eben, my roommate, and I, and possibly Bruce, will pack up the rest of my life and empty out the place I've been for the last two years.

It almost doesn't feel like it's been that long. But it has. Twenty-five months, to be exact. I moved in on February 1st, 2013, and I'll be out on February 28th, 2015. I'm not sorry to see the back of the stupid freezing-pipes problem, but otherwise, I'll miss it here.

This is not a cold-feet thing. I want to be in my new home slightly more than I want to stay in this one, but that doesn't mean I'm excited to leave here. This town is wonderful. Lots of my friends are here. My apartment is great (aside from the pipes).

But it's time. Sometimes, it is just time.

Forty Reflections on 2014

1.What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about?
Playing my first tournament with my amazing team

2.If you had to describe your 2014 in 3 words, what would they be?
Exciting, loving, impatient

3.What new things did you discover about yourself?
Not only a skill at, but actually an enjoyment of helping to solve interpersonal problems

4.What single achievement are you most proud of?
My first Most Valuable Jammer award

5.What was the best news you received?
Nothing sticks out in my mind.

6.What was your favourite place that you visited in 2014?
Maine

7.Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?
Diplomacy

8.Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?
A combination of Eben and Aiden

9.Which new skills did you learn?
Dealing with other people's anger and my own emotions - thanks to Shelby

10.What, or who, are you most thankful for?
I couldn't pick just one. My family, my friends, my teammates...

11.If someone wrote a book about your life in 2014, what kind of genre would it be? A comedy, love story, drama, film noir or something else?
An uplifting love story/drama with comedic moments

12.What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2014?
That being honest and straightforward, even to the point of being blunt, is the most effective way forward.

13.Which mental block(s) did you overcome?
Speaking my mind - I'm still working on it, but I've made a lot of progress.

14.What 5 people did you most enjoy spending time with?
Aiden, Eben, Mom, Ninja, Alejandra

15.What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?
Deciding to quit my job and move on to greener pastures

16.How did your relationship to your family evolve?
I've become much closer to my mom, through learning she had cancer and seeing her through chemo. I'm unsure where my relations with my sisters stand, since they agreed to pay the legal bills they caused me to incur but our only communications have been through lawyers.

17.What book or movie affected your life in a profound way?
Year of No Sugar

18.What was your favourite compliment that you received this year?
Possibly one from the tournament, when my coach told me I had really come together as a blocker.

19.What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life?
The outdoors, long pun trains, tubing on the river, trying new foods, the swing set in the park

20.What cool things did you create this year?
Logo art for fire camp

21.What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)?
Probably excitement. I get excited about a lot of things.

22.Was there anything you did for the very first time in your life this year?
I climbed a radio tower to 160 feet and didn't have to change my pants afterward.

23.What was your favourite moment spent with your friends?
Any of the multiple parties thrown by myself and my roommate, or any of the crazy bout/tournament days.

24.What major goal did you lay the foundations for?
Changing my career to become a self-employed artist

25.Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?
I'm not yet convinced that they are unnecessary.

26.What experience would you love to do all over again?
The tournament. Either of the trips to Maine. Aiden and Shelby's first derby bout, where I got my first MVJ

27.What was the best gift you received?
A beautiful leather flogger that Aiden made himself

28.How did your overall outlook on life evolve?
I've become more decisive. I'm not the only one who looks for a leader, and sometimes it's best that I be that for others.

29.What was the biggest problem you solved?
Getting away from a league that wasn't fulfilling for its skaters. Realizing that some relationship problems that I used to live with should not be overlooked, through the process of finding a relationship that is so much better.

30.What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it?
Sinking Aiden in the river by mistake while trying to re-inflate his inner tube. He called me the Deflating Cat.

31.What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?
My new skate boots, which actually fit

32.What one thing would you do differently and why?
If I did something differently, I wouldn't learn the lesson, so I don't think I would change anything.

33.What do you deserve a pat on the back for?
Conquering my fear of heights

34.What activities made you lose track of time?
Drawing. Tubing the river. Sex. Swinging in the park. Playing bouts.

35.What did you think about more than anything else?
Relationships

36.What topics did you most enjoy learning about?
Exercise, food

37.What new habits did you cultivate?
Drinking coffee and tea without sweetener

38.What advice would you give your early-2014 self if you could?
Relax.

39.Did any parts of your self or your life do a complete 180 this year?
No

40.What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?
Aiden